How to Help Your Spouse Stop Seeking External Validation

One quiet evening, as my husband and I sat sipping our coffee, we began a conversation about various topics. Gradually, our discussion shifted to why couples often seek external validation instead of finding it within their relationship.

We pondered why people seem comfortable seeking approval from the outside world yet become defensive when it comes to receiving validation from their partner. This led us to explore potential reasons behind this behavior, and we ended up with quite a lengthy list of possibilities.

Our first question was: Why do we seek external validation? Here’s what we concluded:

We often seek external validation because, as individuals, we crave attention and recognition from others to affirm our worth and identity. This behavior can stem from low self-esteem, a fear of isolation, unmet emotional needs, or a fear of criticism. Seeking validation from others helps us feel good about ourselves and provides a temporary sense of reassurance.

The question we ask ourselves is: Why can’t we seek reassurance from our own spouse instead of looking for it from outsiders?

Ideally, we should find validation and support within our relationship, as a spouse is often the closest person who knows and understands us. However, sometimes we look for external reassurance due to insecurities, unmet emotional needs, or fear of vulnerability.

We may feel that our spouse’s reassurance isn't enough or fear that they might not understand us in the same way others do. Alternatively, we might seek approval from others because it’s easier or feels less emotionally risky than asking for it from someone who’s so close. 

We need to build a strong foundation of trust between us first, followed by creating an environment where we feel comfortable communicating openly with each other. This way, we can rely on one another for reassurance instead of seeking it from others. We should encourage each other to focus less on external validation and place more emphasis on internal validation within our relationship.

It’s important for spouses to validate each other, but this requires time and patience for both partners to feel comfortable and open with one another. Validation is the act of making your partner feel heard and understood. When both partners practice this, it helps build trust and deepens emotional connection. It also creates a sense of safety, preventing feelings of loneliness or isolation. Over time, this process strengthens the relationship, allowing bitterness, self-doubt, and resentment to fade away.

Avoid seeking external validation when you're in a relationship. Instead, establish healthy boundaries and rely on each other for support. Focus on strengthening your bond and building a connection based on trust and understanding. Don’t feel pressured to live according to others’ expectations—choose a path that aligns with your own values and happiness.